86. I'm Stuck.

so browsing through the limitless pages of the net, i came upon a short article written about a girl named Kitra Cahana. she's 22 & she's basically a professional photojournalist. she's a university graduate & she had her photo published in the New York Times when she was 17. she won the 2009 photographer internship at National Geographic & now she's pretty much pro. may i repeat that she's only 22?

when i think about how i'm only less than 4 years from being 22, it makes me nearly depressed about how i couldn't possibly accomplish what she's accomplished in the less than 4 years i have left. & the thing is, i know that i have accomplished stuff but stuff is clearly, not enough. it's plain, it's boring so the big question is: what makes me so extraordinary?

the problem is that i can be very very lazy but only because i'm strictly...uninterested. i honestly believe that the system our society runs on is flawed. absolutely yet reasonably flawed. it's built so that if you're not a grosse tête, then you're not really meant to succeed. sorry, that's just the way it goes. i guess it's just too bad for people who have a passion for building ikea furniture (me), or for meticulously analyzing people's handwritings (also me). ok, i'll admit that those aren't the best examples, but my point is that it's all a game of chance; for one to succeed (money-wise) in today's world, you have to be born in the right country, to the right parents with the right economical situation to send you to the right schools & with the right connections. basically, being "driven" just doesn't cut it anymore.

i don't believe in education. i used to but ever since i was 15, i scrapped that idea & came to my senses. education, the way it's done today, is utterly stupid. however, that does not in any way mean that i don't believe in knowledge, because if there's one thing i can't get enough of, is pure knowledge. but "education" is getting so material, so selective, so superficial that it really doesn't interest me anymore. you pay a beepload of money to get in just so that on your resume, you can have a few simple letters (say, PhD) printed & BAM you're hired. pitiful. higher education especially, is sooo "made for the elite" that i can't stand it anymore. what's the harm in sharing some knowledge? yes, i realize that not everyone has the competencies to be a heart surgeon but if someone does, shouldn't they be one? & vice versa: if someone doesn't, shouldn't they NOT be one? for me, it's just embarassing how even education has become as invaluable as dollar-store merchandise. education is a sell-out.

which all leads me to say: as much as i don't like it, i don't think i could not continue it. unfortunately, if i wanted to change things, i'd have to be taken seriously & gain much more knowledge & to be taken seriously & to gain much more knowledge, i need an education...i'm so sorry i'm such a traitor.

i should probably get to my original point...i hate thinking about how i didn't volunteer or how i didn't study harder or try harder when i wrote my exams. i hate knowing that i'm capable but can't prove it because i didn't do enough stuff that qualifies to be put on a university application. see, i don't believe in doing things just for the sake of putting it on your application either (sell-out) but the system is just set up like that & it's wrong. i hate knowing that half the people who are "better than me" are actually "not" (if you know what i mean). i feel like i'm stuck being me, which isn't a bad thing; it's just i'd like to see myself moving forward a little more. progress. i feel i lack progress. i need to be assured that i'm not just treading water. i need to know that i'm changing & i'm producing change in my surroundings...that i have a purpose? yes, that i have a purpose, in simple but inexact terms.

i think i'm blogged out.

[bt]