29.6.10

5^3. hovering

so i'm still here. & i don't really know what to say. just so you know, i'm writing this post because i feel like i should & not really cause i want to...

the thing is, studying for the bac occupied so many of my neurons that i didn't have enough left to mentally prepare for going home, like i so well mentally prepared for coming. seriously. it feels like some kind of jack-in-the-box just randomly popping out to tell you, with a creepy smile, mind you, & telling you that your time is up. so suddenly, you come to realise that your year is ACTUALLY coming to an end...

ok, well, um, if you say so, i guess. the truth is, i'm eccstatic about going home because i want to see everyone again & tell them about everything i've lived through but i don't want my old life back. when i think about it, it freaks me out to know that i'm going back to such a bland & diluted life. where's the spice? where's the flavour? i guess what i really mean is that for the first time this year, i acknowledge that in some way, i HAVE grown, contrary to what i've said before now. i think that...i HAVE changed. it's only natural, i guess but i think that's why i have a problem with the thought of going back to the same life: i'm not the same person anymore.

looking back on this year, what it brought me most was not independence, not resposibility, not good work ethics, not happiness. none of those things cause, not to be pompous or anything, but i kind of already had those things, or at the very least, some of each of those things. what this year DID do to me was dare me & you bet your bottom dollar it did.

it dared me to put myself out there, make myself noticed & face the people i may have been afraid to face. this year gave me confidence. in one of my earlier posts, i mentioned that i felt like i was treading water & damn right i did. i'm an excellent swimmer now. :) what i mean is that i think i'm ready to face the world now. it was like real world boot camp. harsh, but it got the job done. there's something about having ABSOLUTELY no one but strangers around that makes the learning so effecient. basically, even though i was buried in my books half the year, i still got the chance to discover the kind of person i had become & how to make her the kind of person that i want to be. & it's thanks to the hundreds of people i met this year that helped me discover that.

how did i know?:
one year of discovery: France. life. self.

Baaam!

[bt]

2 comments:

  1. Your blog was recommended by another AFS member, and even though I did not have time to read all your previous posts, I would think that this particular 6*29*10 refers to your stay in France, still. If I were to make an opinion and summarize your impressions, I am totally confused by the statement that you make where "hundred of strangers that you met have helped you discover yourself -- since you could learn more efficiently". If this is not what you meant, this is what a total stranger understands (sort of...) which makes your blog irrelevant for us readers, but possibly useful for you in 20-30 years. No matter where you are, "if you are all there", you grow up. It would be a good idea to 'pack this blog' too and archive it completely, if you're done with your French experience. You are a new person now.

    ":) what i mean is that i think i'm ready to face the world now. it was like real world boot camp. harsh, but it got the job done. there's something about having ABSOLUTELY no one but strangers around that makes the learning so effecient. basically, even though i was buried in my books half the year, i still got the chance to discover the kind of person i had become & how to make her the kind of person that i want to be. & it's thanks to the hundreds of people i met this year that helped me discover that."

    ReplyDelete
  2. What I was trying to convey in my post is that when you live in an environment that you know well, i.e. your home, there is very little that can surprise you as opposed to living abroad, which allows for discovery. Discovery being the objective of my year.

    The term "efficient" was used in the sense that you learn so much more in the same amount of time than if you were at home because you are constantly faced with new challenges. That's it.

    I appreciate the fact that you took the time to critique my blog except that it wasn't exactly thought out on your part to say that my blog is irrelevant, especially if, as you said so yourself, that you haven't read my previous posts. & just so that you're aware, I did create this blog so that I can look back on my experience in the years to come; I state it rather clearly in my first post just why I created this blog, which was not to make it "relevant for my readers".

    As for telling me to 'pack up my blog', I have already done so only because I don't feel the need to blog anymore. But what would it be to you if I kept writing on MY blog? I also hope you realize that the AFS experience is much more than just the year itself. The experience includes the preparation as well as the the readaptation. Personally, I didn't go through any readaptation so my blog is done.

    Finally, as I've stated a number of times in my blog, I'm not a new person from this experience, I'm just a better person, but I get that you wouldn't have known since you didn't read any of my previous posts before judging my entire blog.

    Anyway, I do still recognize the greatness of the AFS experience so I still wish you all the best.

    ReplyDelete