116. Journée de merde & seeing the big picture.

so what was i expecting? when did i start having such high expectations of people? i guess it's because recently, i've just gotten to know so many great people that i can't help but be optimistic. you know?

so today, i am reminded once again of what it's like to be a part of the real world & once again, i disappointed myself. no surprise, really, but put under the pressure, i just can't seem to stand up for myself. i'm just not like that. i go with the flow & thus, i'm no fighter.

i had to do my bio lab this morning & failed it. not necessarily mark-wise (but we shall see), but moral, potential & skill-wise. i looked like a damned fool & i hate when people look at me & treat me like nothing. just like the beginning of the year. & me being me, i OBVIOUSLY refuse to prove myself when i'm supposed to cause, oddly, somewhere in my mind, it means that i'm intentionally putting myself out there to be judged. where's the confidence, [bt]?

so i didn't know how to use a microscope polarisant, which in no way is my fault because we DIDN'T learn to use one this year. & i insist on that because my teacher's just like, "you forgot". I FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAKING HATE THAT. when someone just completely denies to your face something that you can't prove. it's bullshit. honestly, i thought i was going to slap her but instead i just cried cause i was frustrated. & the thing is, all my friends were around me with doubts on their faces & understandably, they wanted to save their own asses so they didn't stand up for me EVEN IF they're not really sure if we learned to use it this year (they've used the microscope in past years). i'm just very huge on loyalty & i can't stand when people aren't loyal. i'm not sure how i came to value loyalty so much but if i'm friends with someone, i would totally stand by their side. it's a trust thing & most of all it's just the fact that betrayal is just about the evilest thing out there & i ain't evil.

so although i'm pissed at the teachers who are careless & cut me no slack whatsoever (but why should they? & how could it be that i haven't understood that by now? stupid stupid stupid...), i'm mostly pissed at myself for a) not taking enough (cause i did take some) initiative to look up how to use the damned thing even though it wouldn't have been the same thing as actually using the damned thing b) for being slack as usual during an IMPORTANT evaluation, giving my whopping 80% c) for opening my mouth when i should've kept it tightly shut d) for keeping my mouth tightly shut when i should've opened it as in, not standing up for myself. damn.

after the lab, i tried to explain to the teacher that i had never told used a polarising microscope before & that i wasn't there last year & that we had never used it this year & you know what he says? "ça se voyait. tant pis" What. The. F***??? in english: "yeah, i could tell. too bad." so i just walked out.

& cried.

the only person who ended up trying to comfort me was the girl that everyone hates, only because she's the smartest & prettiest one in the class. no joke. (i'm not even going to try to pretend that beauty is subjective blah cause this one is kind of undeniable) anyway, she tried to make me feel better cause she gets into these situations too (but for a lot higher marks, of course) & funny, cause the bio teacher hates her too, just like she hates me. (not in a mean way, in a completely negative vibe way. you just feel it. & i don't care if you don't believe me cause i trust my vibes, man.) & i ate lunch with her & her friends & they were totally cool. then we hung out for 20min before going to class. it's nice to be with friends. (not that my friends aren't nice but they totally ditched to be with their bfs so yeah...loyalty points have been deducted)

i hate the feeling of disappointment. it's that heavy thing in my stomach again. i feels sickening & i just overall hate being disappointed in myself cause that's the kind that you can't deny.

(that's the 2nd johnny depp this year!)

luckily, i've got my philo teacher to talk about a student she had 15 years ago that she & my math teacher urged to persue a career in music & apparently she's successful now in paris. 2 words: BIG PICTURE. things like that just reminds me to shake out of it all. like what's my problem? since when do i care so much about this stuff? it's time to relax. i just got too caught up & that kind of disappoints me too, actually...

[bt]

p.s. --(too much i have to say about the bac i won't begin) *sigh*