23. Not Ready for August.

oof, this is the most emotional i've been in a while...i don't really know what's going on. it's just one of those days where NOTHING seems to go right & EVERYTHING seems to be sitting on your heart. (i physically feel it) do you ever get that? it comes up for me on occasion...

ah, it feels nice to blog. *deep breath* buckle up, everybody.

for the past week or so, i've been waking up to the thought that my departure is VERY quickly approaching. summer began with me not really caring too much about leaving only because it was always too far to think of that. i knew the day would come & i didn't want to waste my precious days thinking, but rather, doing, which is why i've enjoyed an absolutely wonderful summer thus far with the beautiful people i call friends.

this morning, i woke up different.

i felt something this morning that i was unaccustomed to: FEAR. that was definitely it. what i realized was that today is the last day of july & therefore, tomorrow is the first day of august, also known as the last month i'll be spending here. (i don't count september cause i'm leaving the 3rd, meaning the 1st & 2nd will feel like 2 seconds: one...two...done.) i don't know if i'm ready for that. it's actually the first time saying "this is my last..." felt so horrible.

i'm such a hypocrite. i keep complaining that people are making my year in france a big deal. asking me questions like i'm never coming back. i keep arguing that a year is not that much. that i'll be back before they know it & that it's not that big of a deal. i'm right. it's A FREAKIN' HUGE DEAL. yeah, HUGE. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE, HUGE.

HUGE. (Humongously Unbelievably Gigantically Enormous.)

that's what hit me today, like a huge pile of gold bricks & they've been sitting on my heart ever since. there's also...(this part has been edited out)..., but that's something else.

so i lied on the floor this morning at Goldie's house (i think that's her name...she's a friend, but i can't confirm that that's her blog name) the morning of a sleepover thinking about how AFRAID i am of tomorrow. am i truely ready to go? yes. but for the first time, i'm FREAKIN' SCARED. it's just another one of those "wow, this is actually REAL" moments that all you other afs kids can identify with oh so well. ohhhhhhhh...so THAT'S what the counselors were talking about...

"when you go to the airport, go with the one person you can trust but who's not really close with you. like an uncle or something. you'll think you can handle the pressure, but you can't"

pft, i can handle it. (that's me thinking)

ok now, we're a MONTH away & i'm already feeling...all "this" that i'm feeling.

this morning, laying there, i also decided to picture the last time i'll get to hug my sister. hugs mean the most to me & my sister means the most to me. (wow, i'm actually crying right now) to think that during that last hug, i won't get one for another year? oof...that's hard. that's really hard. i don't know what i'll do without her. she's my other half. no, actually, she is me, we joke, & i am her. we are i, i am me, i am you...(it goes on) you can laugh at us but it's our thing. so i decided that we're stupid. we've never been more than 5 days apart (we used to go to weekly boarding school) & now we've decided to spend a YEAR apart...TWICE. yup. she's going down under, to australia with afs six months after i come back. yeah...we're really stupid.

stupidly adventurous.

but STUPID.

my revelation also brought me another anxiety: the fact that everyone will be moving on without me. to me, it's inevitable but i really hope i'm proven wrong. i mean, i don't really expect EVERYBODY to meet me at the airport when i return; in fact i don't want everybody. but the important ones, the ones i care about...i want them to be there...please? i guess it'll be one of those dreadful tests of friendship. they suck cause there's always the possibility that they won't show. no excuse.

you see, it's quite simple: here i have a life. when i leave, i make a new life. a year later, i leave the new life, come back to my old life, anew. follow? everybody else here has a life. when i leave, they continue their life so that when i come back, they're all somewhere else. like my part is put on pause for a year. so, why would anyone want to "pick up where we've left off" if they've all moved on? together too...:S

ugh. pretty much, i guess i forgot that this last month, august, isn't solely for physical preparation, as in packing & paperwork but EMOTIONAL preparation as well. haha...my emotional baggage is heavy...get it? ugh...but now that i've vented, i feel 1% lighter. yeah, not much but sleep will take care of things. :) just so that you all know, FEAR is not really a [bt] trait. this is new...it's scary, but i like it.

so all of that was going on in my head before i even opened my eyes this morning. imagine how the rest of the day went...the cloudy weather didn't help either. but i least i delivered another 50 "wanted" posters for my garage sale...

recently, a cottage trip was offered to me & i immediately liked the idea & wanted to go. i originally thought that it would be a good opportunity to hang out with some people & bond. but now, i see it rather differently. see, pretty much all of the people attending are not my close friends, which means i'll end up have quite some alone time. with water. with trees. with sunsets. i realize, i need that before i go. alone time. without any of my close friends (family included). i need to prep. i need me time.

now 5% lighter,

:(

[bt]

p.s. *HUGE sigh*