129. I'm back

i'm back again & i feel like i'd never left. there are some changes, here & there but they don't really affect me. i don't really feel like anything's changed, which is why i have a hard time believing that i'm actually back cause i don't think i ever left. which is also why i don't really have anything to say...

besides the fact that i have a mini cleaning obsession now, my life is exactly what it used to be. or maybe i just adapt well...

[bt]

128. quick update cause i'm a busy bee

yesterday morning, i got my results for that fatal BAC i've been ranting about since probably before i left...anyway, i got 16.34 *brushes off her shoulder* lol

yeah, ok, right. ARE YOU KIDDING?!!!!!!!!!!!!! 16.34???????????? i would've never imagined but who i'm most happy for are the people i kept pushing & pushing throughout the year, who didn't work but who were definitely intelligent enough to pass. few people believed in them & the teachers kept tearing them down & i'm just so so proud of them. i couldn't be happier.

a few really memorable moments yesterday:
"Vincent ---...ADMIS!!!" (i jump up & down)
...
"Martin ---...ADMIS!!!" (i jump up & down)
...
"[bt]... ... ... Mention...TRES BIEN!!!!!!!!" "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!", and the crowd goes wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiild!! definitely a highlight of my life.

the thing is that it means a lot to know you've achieved something but it means so much more when people are happy for you, & that goes both ways, which is why yesterday night, i threw a party at my place with ari to say goodbye & to celebrate our achievement. we popped some bubbly & snacked on my macaron tower, my present for the BAC.

i'm going to miss these lovely people.

[bt]

127. fb totally ambushed my life

is it normal to open your email to find 39 new messages, ALL of them fb-related? it disgusts me.
besides that, so far, fb isn't nearly as bad asi thought it would be. ;)

[bt]

126. fb

so about 2min ago, i tried to sign up for facebook cause i'm planning a party & i'm planning on getting it anyway after i get back so i thought i would just do it. however, i HAVE been contemplating a lot about this signing of for fb thing cause it's really like the second you get it well, you're not really a fb virgin anymore, you know? anyway, so a lot of ppl say go ahead & that it's harmless blah blah but why i want to get it because there really seems to be no other alternative to being able to stay in contact with all the ppl i've met this year. makes sense, right? WELL, so i bit down hard i decided to do it. except...

i filled in all of my info & clicked on register. & you know what? it said error. so i redid it over & over again. i changed my name, even, & it just wouldn't let me. now i'm not crazy superficial but i DO believe in listening to my gut & if even the mighty Facebook doesn't let me have an account, then should i really be forcing myself into it? even if i already kind of told everyone here that i would be signing up for it as soon as i get back? :S i feel like ppl are waiting!! i don't know what to do...

[bt]

5^3. hovering

so i'm still here. & i don't really know what to say. just so you know, i'm writing this post because i feel like i should & not really cause i want to...

the thing is, studying for the bac occupied so many of my neurons that i didn't have enough left to mentally prepare for going home, like i so well mentally prepared for coming. seriously. it feels like some kind of jack-in-the-box just randomly popping out to tell you, with a creepy smile, mind you, & telling you that your time is up. so suddenly, you come to realise that your year is ACTUALLY coming to an end...

ok, well, um, if you say so, i guess. the truth is, i'm eccstatic about going home because i want to see everyone again & tell them about everything i've lived through but i don't want my old life back. when i think about it, it freaks me out to know that i'm going back to such a bland & diluted life. where's the spice? where's the flavour? i guess what i really mean is that for the first time this year, i acknowledge that in some way, i HAVE grown, contrary to what i've said before now. i think that...i HAVE changed. it's only natural, i guess but i think that's why i have a problem with the thought of going back to the same life: i'm not the same person anymore.

looking back on this year, what it brought me most was not independence, not resposibility, not good work ethics, not happiness. none of those things cause, not to be pompous or anything, but i kind of already had those things, or at the very least, some of each of those things. what this year DID do to me was dare me & you bet your bottom dollar it did.

it dared me to put myself out there, make myself noticed & face the people i may have been afraid to face. this year gave me confidence. in one of my earlier posts, i mentioned that i felt like i was treading water & damn right i did. i'm an excellent swimmer now. :) what i mean is that i think i'm ready to face the world now. it was like real world boot camp. harsh, but it got the job done. there's something about having ABSOLUTELY no one but strangers around that makes the learning so effecient. basically, even though i was buried in my books half the year, i still got the chance to discover the kind of person i had become & how to make her the kind of person that i want to be. & it's thanks to the hundreds of people i met this year that helped me discover that.

how did i know?:
one year of discovery: France. life. self.

Baaam!

[bt]